I'm "just a mom"

So, here's something that's been on my heart.  "Single Mom".  I've worn that label for years as both a scarlet letter and a badge of honor.  I have felt it hotly stamped upon my forehead as I volunteer in the church nursery and fumble to answer questions like "what does your husband do for a living?".  I have brandished it proudly as others applaud me for advancing my career, purchasing my own home and finishing school.  Like all labels it defines me in the most extreme of ways--either a woman to be overly ashamed of her past or overly proud of her current accomplishments. 

 

 But the truth?  Does the "single" adjective before the title of "mother" make me better, worse, harder working, lazier, more or less valuable than any other mom?  Of course not.  Would having a husband make parenting EASY? I'm sure all my married mom friends would join in on an a resounding "heck no".  The God's honest truth is that being single defines only one set of circumstances in a huge number of variables for moms. Does it present unique challenges?  You betcha, but so does caring for a child with special needs, parenting multiples, parenting on a low budget, parenting with a chronic illness and any number of other struggles that mamas encounter despite their marital status. 

 

We are not helpless, resource-sucking leaches who should apologize for the very fact that we are single moms.  But neither are we deserving of trophies and accolades for accomplishing the mundane tasks that married mothers are not recognized for.  We are dealing with a different set of circumstances and we have no way of measuring whether it is easier, harder or equal to the challenges that other moms are asked to meet. 

 

I like to fellowship with other single moms---they get it.  They understand concepts like litigation, financial struggles, and fears that are specific to our situations. But that does not mean that I can't relate to "coupled" moms.  On the most basic level, we all adore our children and want to provide the absolute best for them (emotionally, physical, spiritually)--to me, there is not one more fundamental thing to bond over. 

 

There are all types of good moms.  I'm on the PTA, I coach sports and teach sunday school, I have fancy birthday parties and invite the whole class. I work full time and carefully time by work schedules  (By the way there are PLENTY of good moms who do not do these things for a variety of reasons)  This is the way I choose to parent and although the logistics don't always work out the way this is the "type" of mom that I am..."single" is really just a sub-category.

Put to the Test

My promises to myself and God have been put to the test this week.  How many times have we proudly boasted that we "put our children first no matter what".  Let me say that again...NO...MATTER...WHAT. 

 

Sure, we can say that when that means sacrificing things that are important to us--our social lives, our style, things that we want to buy.  But what about when it comes to sacrificing our comfort...what if it means sacrificing our pride?  What if it means sacrificing how much credit we get to take in being a great mom?  This is the dilemma that has faced me this week. 

 

Let me back up.  You know those REALLY intrusive mother-in-laws?  The ones that are negative toward you ALL the time, question every parenting decision you make?  The kind that is disparaging to your children and passively aggressively chastises them as a way to insult you ("you know, you really should be potty trained by now" or "you shouldn't have such items packed in your lunch"). The kind that puts themselves on a pedestal and everyone else is beneath them? You know the type right?  Well....I've got one of those, only she isn't my mother in law--she's my EX mother in law.  I don't say this about too many people...but she is what could be clearly described as "a meanie".  It would do my heart and soul no good to rehash all of the insulting and hurtful things she has said to or about me over the years, but you get the picture right?  She has nothing but contempt for me which causes me to avoid her like the plague. 

 

Well, this week she invited herself to a meeting with our son's teacher that her son(my ex) couldn't make because of work.  When she announced to me that she was coming, I cringed, I felt physically ill and then my blood boiled.  How DARE she?  As the parent with sole legal custody, I had every right to ask her not to come and I felt myself becoming indignant in my mind about this "right".  She isn't the other parent, I thought.  She can't just include herself without being invited!  How insulting that she places herself on the same level as a parent, after all, I am an EXPERT in my child.  I have spent years knowing, understanding and nurturing this little boy --I get to meet with the teacher.  I'm the mom!  IM THE MOM! 

 

I went home and fumed...then I cried...then I emailed my lawyer(because maybe I could "block" her from coming).  Then I prayed...and prayed...and PRAYED.  I felt this nagging feeling that my heart was not in the right place.  I had to ask myself some very hard questions about my motivation for not wanting her to come.  The reasons were simple: She makes ME anxious and uncomfortable.  She doesn't deserve parenting credit because it belongs to ME.  She is often rude and embarrassing and I didn't want that to reflect poorly on ME in the school, because I've made a good reputation for myself and my son.  Hmmmm...are we seeing a theme here?  Me, me, me.  Which brings me back to my original promise.  I will put my child first, NO MATTER WHAT.  Wow....now that is a hard pill to swallow---humility tastes bitter going down. 

 

Grace......oh what a beautiful word.  Sounds pretty doesn't it?  But oh, how painful it is to extend sometimes.  But I did it.  I welcomed her, I introduced her, I pushed down every prideful feeling until I felt I would explode.  But I didn't....I didn't explode.  My son, who would have been subjected to an uncomfortable "in the middle" situation had I made a different choice, blissfully got through the day.  It doesn't matter that she didn't deserve it---what one of us deserves grace?  We aren't going to be best friends.  She likely has no gratitude for the amount of work it took for me to extend grace to her this week.  But, these are the hard choices we have to make.  Putting God and our children before every prideful feeling.  Fulfilling our promises even when it's hard.....giving our children a gift they will never know we gave them. 

 

Please understand that I, in no way, claim to be an expert on the subject of grace.  I have failed a thousand times---maybe a million times.  But through the Lords' grace I am working on it.  And maybe this week, I got it right. 

Why I need Grace

I recently read a quote that said something to the effect of "A child can never give something he never received".  I don't know the source and I'm sure to many it was a blur on the newsfeed of their facebook page--yet another philosophical quote posted by one of their sentimental and sappy friends.  But to me it spoke to the issue nearest and dearest to my heart--grace. 

 

 My ex, Roy, has pure disdain for me.  He is hostile, he is hateful, he is vengeful.  There is no grace for me, for any of my parenting decisions.  I am a targeted constantly and anything that would posted on other "mom blogs" as a funny mishap--like when my son skipped breakfast before school--he sees as an opportunity to "catch" me doing something wrong and "repay" me for the wrongs he feels I have done to him.  Without God, I would be constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for the next shoe to drop.  Even with God, I shudder when I open the mailbox or see a Sherrifs car near my home, nervous that there will be another court summons--something that is so often threatened over insignificant things.  When I lean on my own understanding to process this, I am anxious, depressed and hopeless and most of all I am hateful and spiteful right back to Roy.

 

But I don't have to lean on my own understanding and that's where grace comes in.  I can be hurt, scared, angry; but no matter the depth of the hurt-grace that is available is always deeper.  It can cover any wound, it can take the place of anger and it can wash away fear.  I have grace for Roy.  I protect myself legally with an attorney.  I protect my heart and mind by praying for and seeking God's grace every single day.  Roy did not learn grace from his family.  In fact, his mother is the driving force behind almost every hostile action toward me. And this is why the quote above has struck me so deeply.  Can Roy give grace when he's never received it?  Of course, it's available through Jesus, but I believe I'm commanded to show grace to him.  Trust me----this is as tough of a pill to swallow as it would be for anyone. 

 

Sometimes I have to think of it as a gift to my child.  I will show his father kindness and love and most importantly GRACE because MY CHILD needs to receive and understand grace in order to give it later in his life. 

 

If you are reading this post and are feeling bitterness begin to plaque the walls of your heart, I pray that as you read these words you consider a humble prayer for grace.  It won't make them sorry.  It won't make them see that you are right.  But, it will do wonders in terms of beginning to heal the gaping wounds of your heart. 

Praising God in the Storm

There is a popular song by casting crowns entitled "Praise You in This Storm".  Many tears have fallen from my eyes while my heart cries this song.  Sometimes it is only by a thread, but I am clinging to the Lord during times of unspeakable heartache, loss and emotion. 

 

 

 

My current life is that of a single-career mom.  By day I am a professional, by the afternoon I am wiping boogers, kissing scraped knees and reading bedtime stories.  By night I am studying for my degree that I put off much too long and then, exhausted, I fall into my bed to plan my strategy to address the never ending frivolous legal battles I am forced to engage in with my child's father.  I'm worn, I'm tired, but I am blessed and I'm praising God every day.  Please join me over the coming weeks to find out why.