Why I need Grace

I recently read a quote that said something to the effect of "A child can never give something he never received".  I don't know the source and I'm sure to many it was a blur on the newsfeed of their facebook page--yet another philosophical quote posted by one of their sentimental and sappy friends.  But to me it spoke to the issue nearest and dearest to my heart--grace. 

 

 My ex, Roy, has pure disdain for me.  He is hostile, he is hateful, he is vengeful.  There is no grace for me, for any of my parenting decisions.  I am a targeted constantly and anything that would posted on other "mom blogs" as a funny mishap--like when my son skipped breakfast before school--he sees as an opportunity to "catch" me doing something wrong and "repay" me for the wrongs he feels I have done to him.  Without God, I would be constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for the next shoe to drop.  Even with God, I shudder when I open the mailbox or see a Sherrifs car near my home, nervous that there will be another court summons--something that is so often threatened over insignificant things.  When I lean on my own understanding to process this, I am anxious, depressed and hopeless and most of all I am hateful and spiteful right back to Roy.

 

But I don't have to lean on my own understanding and that's where grace comes in.  I can be hurt, scared, angry; but no matter the depth of the hurt-grace that is available is always deeper.  It can cover any wound, it can take the place of anger and it can wash away fear.  I have grace for Roy.  I protect myself legally with an attorney.  I protect my heart and mind by praying for and seeking God's grace every single day.  Roy did not learn grace from his family.  In fact, his mother is the driving force behind almost every hostile action toward me. And this is why the quote above has struck me so deeply.  Can Roy give grace when he's never received it?  Of course, it's available through Jesus, but I believe I'm commanded to show grace to him.  Trust me----this is as tough of a pill to swallow as it would be for anyone. 

 

Sometimes I have to think of it as a gift to my child.  I will show his father kindness and love and most importantly GRACE because MY CHILD needs to receive and understand grace in order to give it later in his life. 

 

If you are reading this post and are feeling bitterness begin to plaque the walls of your heart, I pray that as you read these words you consider a humble prayer for grace.  It won't make them sorry.  It won't make them see that you are right.  But, it will do wonders in terms of beginning to heal the gaping wounds of your heart.